Christmas

With all the Christmas decorations cropping up I was remembering how hurt I was that baby Sam would be so sick on her first Christmas. Today I am so very thankful that I can look back and talk about her "first" Christmas, not her only Christmas. As a family we talk about our Christmas at Children's, not our one Christmas with Sam. Looking back, my memories of the events of that Christmas were positive ones.

Everyday I am genuinely thankful that Sam did so well through treatment. I am thankful that Mandi understands the need for my attention to have been focused toward her sister during her hospital stays and is forgiving of the fact that I had tremendous difficulty leaving Sam for any length of time. And I am thankful that we had such supportive family and friends.

Sometimes it feels as if God turns His back. That He doesn't care. Especially on days like I've been having where I am so terribly depressed and just don’t feel right and daily tasks are a struggle. I find it extraordinarily frustrating because it’s as if my emotional brain and rational brain are in conflict. I can see good things and am thankful for so much, yet feel depressed and I just don’t understand it. I want to feel happy about all the things I’m happy about, but can't get myself out of this funk on my own and feel I am sinking fast.

I am so very thankful for the blessing that each of my children has been and continue to be. I was planning on ignoring the whole Christmas card tradition this year, but changed my mind. Once I decided to do cards the decision of what kind of card was simple...a photo card with my biggest blessings on it.

Sometimes it's hard to remember that we are each one of Gods children and that He loves us, that His love is so great that it would be impossible to imagine a greater love. So if God sent out Christmas cards does that mean that we would all be on it?