13 weeks 3 days & Sister's Keeper

This pregnancy has been more difficult than when I was carrying Mandi or Sam. I was bleeding again on Thursday, so the doctor wanted me in on Friday for an ultrasound to make sure that the baby was still doing okay.

This ultrasound picture is of the Wee One’s right hand. Just as if it’s waving “hello.” It was just as active in this ultrasound as it has been in previous ones. This activity is wonderful as only a healthy viable baby will be so active.

In my last ultrasound I was exactly 12 weeks along and Wee One measured 6.5cm. Yesterday I was exactly 13 weeks 3 days and the little one measured 8.12cm! I find this growth absolutely amazing. According to this most recient measurement Wee One should be 14 weeks and 1 day.  I find this growth reassuring.

In this picture you can see Wee One’s spine. It’s head is on the left and off to the right you can see the little legs tucked under.

Seeing the baby provided Mike and I with reassurance that it was okay. I would have loved to have seen a doctor as I would be even further assured if I could have been given even a possible cause of the bleeding.

Last night after Sam was put to bed Mike, Mandi and I watched “My Sister’s Keeper.” We ran out of Kleenex before it was over.

Sam didn’t go to sleep after she was put to bed. She kept opening her door and saying “I love you Mom” “ I love you Sister” “I love you Dad” and would wait for a response from each of us before moving to the next person. Then she’d start with “Goodnight Mom” and work her way through each of us again before closing her door and going back to bed for a little while before starting all over again.

Overall it was a very well done movie. I felt they did a good job portraying how family dynamics can change when a child has cancer and they did touch on some of the reality and pain of treatment. I guess if they showed it more real no one would want to see the movie because they’d get tired of seeing this poor girl get sick.

The actors were wonderful. I love that the girl who played Kate (the patient) actually shaved her head and her eyebrows. This made it a lot easier to get sucked into the movie as it just made it more real.

If you plan to, but have not yet seen the movie you may want to stop reading as I will be discussing the ending.

Mandi has been wanting to see the movie since it came out, yet I know for her it was exceptionally difficult to watch as she could really relate to both Kate, and Anna (the sister). In one scene Kate looks in her scrapbook and opens it to Anna’s page where she had written “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you.” I know Mandi felt the same way when Sam was going though treatment.

In the last three minutes of the movie Sam opened her door again and asked if she could come down. Mike and I figured it would be safe and they hadn’t shown Kate bleeding or getting violently ill recently and we knew the movie would soon come to an end.

Sam curled up on Mandi’s lap. On the screen was the image of Kate curling up with her mother in the hospital bed and her little sister narrating that Kate fell asleep and died quietly that night. The next scene was at her memorial service.

It was impossible not to cry, both for the characters we had connected to in the movie and more importantly for the memory of so many of the friends we made during Sam’s treatment.

It never ceases to amaze me how observant and curious our little Sam is. She asked “Why did she die?” “I was sick and I didn’t die.” “Why didn’t the medicine help her?” “If she went to heaven why were her mommy and daddy sad?” “Why did she die?”

Isn’t it amazing that three minutes of the movie could cause so much curiosity from little Sam. This wasn’t from what she saw, but what she heard through the Anna’s narration. It also amazes me that Sam could make the connection from when she was sick with the brief scene of Kate in a hospital bed.

It stinks and it’s unfair that children ever have to suffer from cancer and its treatments. It’s nice to go day to day imagining that Sam never had AML, but the fact remains that she did. We pray that she stays in remission for the rest of her life and has no complications from treatment. Every day a little of that pain from when Sam was going through treatment is felt. Every day a little of the fear of relapse is felt. Although I would love to live without those feelings of helplessness, hurt, and fear it doesn’t take much for any or all of them to crop up.

One day last week Sam didn’t want to eat breakfast. Had it been Mandi at the same age I would’ve just thought “Huh, I guess she’s just not feeling well, or maybe she’s just not hungry.” Because it was Sam my first thought was “Oh s___! She stopped eating prior to diagnosis…is she relapsing?” With Samantha every little thing requires an assessment on my part to have peace of mind that she is not relapsing. I can’t help but wonder if it will ever stop.

12 weeks!

I am 12 weeks along today and had an ultrasound in which Wee One measured 6.5cm.  Every thing looked really good and it was so nice to see the baby.  It was easy to count all it's fingers.  Wee One kept it's right hand very close to the mouth and sometimes even inside.  I think we may have a thumb sucker on our hands with this one.

Word for the Children

In church today there was the sharing of thanks by several in the congration. Each of the four stories shared aspects that I could relate to. One of the questions asked of one of the women who shared was “How do you greet the morning?” I couldn’t help but whisper to Mom “Like Jonah. I pull the covers back over my head and pray to be able to sleep a little longer.” *smile*
Early on in the service, Pastor Doug asked for the children to come to the front for the ‘word to the children.’ Sam was thrilled. We do not often have a word to the children and she looks forward to going to the front.

Today, Pastor Doug held up a football and asked the kids what it was. Sam immediately yelled that it was a soccer ball. “Close, but not quite” was the reply. The children were asked if he could get better at playing football if he held the football to his head, or if he slept with it. The kids all answered “no.”

Then Pastor Doug pulled out a basket ball and asked the kids if they knew what it was. Sam again yelled out that it was a soccer ball. “Close, it’s a basket ball” was the answer. Sam spoke right up and said that she played soccer and that Pastor Doug could be a goalie if he wanted too. The congregation chuckled. Asking someone to be a goalie is a huge compliment, because there only gets to be one goalie at a time.

Pastor Doug asked the kids the same questions of the kids about the basket ball and they all agreed that the only way he could get better at either game was by practicing. Then the kids were questioned about Thanksgiving. Sam had a lot of answers about each question and each caused the audience to chuckle.

Pastor “When do we eat turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes?”
Children “Thanksgiving!!!” and Sam added “and Christmas?”

Pastor “And what do we do at Thanksgiving?”
Sam “Get presents!”
Pastor “No, that’s Christmas. What do we do at Thanksgiving?”
Sam “Have birthdays!”
Pastor “Wouldn’t that be nice. We give thanks on Thanksgiving and giving thanks is something that we can get better at if we practice.”

Ah yes, gifts has been the focus of my little Sam since Mandi’s birthday in August. Just last night she asked “Mom will I get lots of presents for Christmas?” I thought I had a really good answer, “You’ll get enough.” Oh, she started to cry, “But I want a lot Mom!” *Groan*

At church leading up to Christmas there has been a lot of focus on the Advent Conspiracy (I don’t like the name and wish they’d call it the Advent Challenge). You can follow the link to learn more, basically it’s urging us to buy less at Christmas and to give more in the way of helping out those who really need it.

In a way I had already been planning on doing this by buying gifts second hand and by making others. The challenge I am facing is how do I get my sweet little Sam to see how important it is to help others. Don’t get me wrong, she wants to give. She already has plans to go shopping for family, I’m leaning toward bringing her to a craft store so that she can make things for family.

Soon I will be pulling out the Christmas books to be reading at bedtime. I was thinking that we could also make cookies to share with our neighbors and local fire house. I would love suggestions on ways that any of you helped teach your children the true meaning of Christmas and the importance of giving.